Electric Monk
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Features:
NEW FEATURE - Custom Belief Levels now
Available!
- Questionable Ethics
- Labour Saving
- Possible Blasphemy
- Low, Low Price
NEW FEATURE - Custom Belief Levels now
Available!
| No Time to Believe? Worry not, Electric Monk is Here! |
| SPECIAL OFFER! Normal belief levels not enough? Ask us about our Jihad package, and get a free (if not fair) trial. |
Right, let's get one thing straight - we at Small Monkey Productions do not
Believe in anything. We consider ourselves intelligent enough to make an
assessment of the probability of an event occurring or an entity existing,
based on empirical evidence, applied logic, and the Way of the Small
Monkey. We may not always be 100% accurate, but our opinions (where
we have one) are always grounded in hard fact; where we have no opinion,
that is for a demonstrable reason as well. We see no purpose whatsoever
in the delusion that some unknowable force or entity could have anything to
do with what is going on in what we perceive as the real world. If this
sounds like you, you should visit the Universal Church Triumphant of the
Apathetic Agnostic.
However, we also recognise that millions of people do Believe in something,
even if their belief is pretty confused and they aren't exactly sure what it is
they believe in. People who suffer from this sort of mental ambiguity are
exactly the target demographic for most of Small Monkey Production's
money-spinning efforts, so we'd be pretty poor business people (and
monkeys) if we ignored them, wouldn't we?
So, regardless of what it is you feel the need to believe in, Electric Monk is
Here to Help!
Believe in anything. We consider ourselves intelligent enough to make an
assessment of the probability of an event occurring or an entity existing,
based on empirical evidence, applied logic, and the Way of the Small
Monkey. We may not always be 100% accurate, but our opinions (where
we have one) are always grounded in hard fact; where we have no opinion,
that is for a demonstrable reason as well. We see no purpose whatsoever
in the delusion that some unknowable force or entity could have anything to
do with what is going on in what we perceive as the real world. If this
sounds like you, you should visit the Universal Church Triumphant of the
Apathetic Agnostic.
However, we also recognise that millions of people do Believe in something,
even if their belief is pretty confused and they aren't exactly sure what it is
they believe in. People who suffer from this sort of mental ambiguity are
exactly the target demographic for most of Small Monkey Production's
money-spinning efforts, so we'd be pretty poor business people (and
monkeys) if we ignored them, wouldn't we?
So, regardless of what it is you feel the need to believe in, Electric Monk is
Here to Help!
What is Electric Monk?
Electric Monk is a labour saving device, that Believes in things so that you
don't have to. In today's fast paced world, you probably can't afford the
time to Believe - Electric Monk can, at a 2GHz clock speed.
don't have to. In today's fast paced world, you probably can't afford the
time to Believe - Electric Monk can, at a 2GHz clock speed.
How Do I Apply?
Fill out the form below, specifying what you would like us to believe, and for
how long (minimum 1 week). You can also choose to upgrade your belief
level from the standard 'Catholic' to 'Jihad' level, or go for the economy
'Anglican' setting. You can now also request a custom belief level, for
example Jewish Fundamentalist (quite strong), or Gambler's Hunch (highly
variable).
how long (minimum 1 week). You can also choose to upgrade your belief
level from the standard 'Catholic' to 'Jihad' level, or go for the economy
'Anglican' setting. You can now also request a custom belief level, for
example Jewish Fundamentalist (quite strong), or Gambler's Hunch (highly
variable).
What Can I Believe In?
It's your dollar, have the Electric Monk believe in anything you like. You
can be as specific or as vague (our money is on vague) as you like.
Popular choices include:
What the Electric Monk is Believing Right Now...
can be as specific or as vague (our money is on vague) as you like.
Popular choices include:
- General Let the World be OK Crap
- Doctor Who Related Babbling
- My Sports Team Will Win Something
- For Every Drop of Rain That Falls, a Flower Grows
What the Electric Monk is Believing Right Now...
BONUS FEATURE!
If you are still unsure, follow this link. You will find an impartial and
unbiased Belief System Selector. Simply answer the questions, and you will
be presented with a list of compatible religions, matching your delusions to
their dogma. How good is that*?
unbiased Belief System Selector. Simply answer the questions, and you will
be presented with a list of compatible religions, matching your delusions to
their dogma. How good is that*?
How Does it Work?
Unfortunately, we are unable to provide precise details; if we did we would
be denying faith, and without faith belief is nothing (hey, these are your
rules, not ours). Have Faith that The Electric Monk is Your Salvation (just
like those Televangelists you keep sending money to who, despite
preaching about humility and piety, all have suspiciously expensive houses
and sun-tans).
be denying faith, and without faith belief is nothing (hey, these are your
rules, not ours). Have Faith that The Electric Monk is Your Salvation (just
like those Televangelists you keep sending money to who, despite
preaching about humility and piety, all have suspiciously expensive houses
and sun-tans).
Pricing
In common with most Organised Belief Systems, we do not think it right that
a specific monetary value be put on the function of the Church of the
Electric Monk; therefore, we ask only for a donation if you think it
reasonable. However, also in common with most Organised Belief Systems,
remember that God Hates a Cheapskate (again, your rules, not ours).
a specific monetary value be put on the function of the Church of the
Electric Monk; therefore, we ask only for a donation if you think it
reasonable. However, also in common with most Organised Belief Systems,
remember that God Hates a Cheapskate (again, your rules, not ours).
| Monkey Wisdom Corner |
* Please do bear in mind when selecting a religion
that there are hundreds (if not thousands) out there,
most of them have a clause about their particular one
being the 'one true religion', and that if you pick the
'wrong' religion you'll go to hell. You do the math.
that there are hundreds (if not thousands) out there,
most of them have a clause about their particular one
being the 'one true religion', and that if you pick the
'wrong' religion you'll go to hell. You do the math.
| If you think we are terrible sinners for trying to make money out of religion, why not ask your minister/priest/rabbi/whatever to pray for us? Whilst he (rarely she) is taking the collection is an ideal time. |
For more ideas you can also browse our archive of the Electric Monk's
Former Beliefs.
Former Beliefs.